Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Zero Punctuation: Retro stuff sucks =] power'd

I said to myself, no, I'll never put a diveo of ZP on my blog.
That was before I attempted to put a diveo of ZP on my blog.
Before I'd fail to do so since all I could post was a link to the diveo of ZP on Escapist.

So there.

Now, if I get this right, by his own last comment, all the review has to be understood as an antiphrasis of some sort.
It's all about Stan's evil twin (Jsus).

Still, it reminded me of stuff I'd occasionally read on Internet, or what I could hear many years ago, and is quite a well condensed version of some of the most retarded garbage.

One is particularly interesting.
Talking about XBLA's Bionic Commando Rearmed, he said:

Strangely for a 2D platformer you can't jump (following a rant about how you cannot maneuver)... blah blah.

For any kiddo who has no idea about what the gameplay is, that's the point.
I truly hope no one above 12 would be stupid enough to bash a game just because you cannot jump.

Which brings me to the other point: double jumps.

2D, 3D, it doesn't care. The double jump propaganda is spreading. It's getting so furiously invasive that you wonder why we're still sticking with double jumps when we could have already moved to the even more exciting...

*drum roll*

triple jumps !!

I suppose they're keeping that for the Paystation 4 and Xbox Double Spin.

A nice other point comes earlier in the diveo when we're shown four tombstones, the first two sporting the following words:

RIP TWO BUTTON CONTROLLERS (note: that's not counting the stick or D-pad)

Miyamoto has not made a secret that he and Nintendo would gladly aim at games played with the less buttons possible. Good or bad, I think we need both.
Metal Gear Solid with two buttons would be a joke (unless we have access to some fantastic peripheral, but the functions would just be binded to other forms of input devices).
Pacman on an XBox 360 pad is an oxymoron.
The likes of Time Crisis and House of the Dead, for example, are enjoyable games which could be finished with essentially just one button.

Most puzzling is what follows though, as two new tombstones appear on the screen:

RIP QUICK TIME EVENTS (note: this one is in the background, with a hole being dug.)

This, amusingly, had me reconsider expanding a former big phat post of mine (one no one will read) which I put on hold some time ago.

No matter how you look at them, either taking them at face value, or believing that he actually meant the contrary of this, it's flawed.

Quick Time Events are indeed a design problem. But it does not mean they need to disappear as a whole, nor remain as they are today.
It's a false dilemma. They're just in need of an evolution.
Even as a gamer who enjoys his fair load of oldies (?), the whole QTE issue is a question of context. In modern games, the learning curve does not exist.

It's a freaking learning wall.

It's outdated if it pretends to find its path in games with a broadband and modern appeal.

As for Lives, see you later. ;)

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