Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Day of Lolz: Heavy Rain Super Score

Rejoice comrades, for this is the return of the Day of Lulz!!
This time, the object of derision is that mound of silly reviews for Heavy Rain.
Let me give you a good reason about why I stopped reading reviews since many years (that should be near a decade actually): Zero proof of integrity, and I don't see why what worked in the 90s would have changed by now, with all those Famitsu-wannabes.
Perhaps once again allowing more attention than that deplorable system of Metacritic deserves, let's look at their Heavy Rain page.
Notice, first, the literally insane number of perfect scores for such a game (100%):

We're enjoying it immensely... It is a game like none other. [Mar 2010, p.66]
- Playstation: The Official Magazine (US)

I have never played anything so momentous or revolutionary as Heavy Rain. In the coming years I expect the game's influence to be felt throughout the industry in terms of gameplay, storytelling and interactivity. This is a game that deserves all the plaudits it can get. So please go out and buy Heavy Rain and reward those that have made such a groundbreaking videogame event.
- Boomtown

An emotionally engaging thrill-ride from start to finish, Quantic Dream's Heavy Rain is a superbly crafted interactive experience, told expertly through it's stunning visuals and believable characters.
- GamePro

Heavy Rain is a rare experience that can be enjoyed by a watching audience and not just the person with the control pad. It's also one that you'll certainly want to play through at least one more time just to see what you missed and perhaps reach a better outcome.
- Total Video Games

Quantic Dream puts forth some truly incredible ideas and concepts as to what a game can be, but they’ll stay ideas and concepts until gamers are willing to accept that they deserve more than another GTA or Call of Duty clone. Heavy Rain is without a doubt one of the most impressive games of the last five years, and it shouldn’t be missed by anyone.
- Gamervision

Everybody can breathe a sigh of relief, because Heavy Rain was definitely worth the long wait. This is an intriguing murder mystery that will have you guessing all the way to the end. Best of all, the narrative is one of the strongest I've seen in years.
- Gaming Nexus

You can literally hear the watery sucking noise.
I mean, it's obvious Sony is banking a lot on that exclusive to finally make their dream come true, make the PS3 that mature and artsy console they always wanted to make. How in Hell could this game really take so many perfect scores, really?

Kudos to ImpulseGamer and their ridiculous 99 score, whatever that nonsense is supposed to mean. Like, you know, "we couldn't give a perfect score because we are objective and independent professionals, but it's pretty close so there. So close that it's only missing that 1% which we don't even know what it's supposed to correspond to."
It's pathetic. How do you make a difference between 75 and 77, 93 and 94?
How more farcical can this be? Nothing makes sense at all, but it's a good way for your magazine to be picked up by those meta rankings!
Which is probably the sole reason why Edge decided to go with those silly scores as well (see their 100 for Bayonetta... "trying to remain socially relevant" someone commented).

But that wouldn't be perfect if I didn't tell you the full story. Luck of all lucks, my first pick among that miasma of reviews was VideoGamer's. I feel so sorry for the naive poor souls posting in the comments section.

I give them the Objectivity Award!!!


(Click on the picture for a full screen view.)

And last but not least, someone please explain why the hell each of Eurogamer's reviews, for each single country it's edited for, gets listed there? There's the vanilla model, then those three special editions for Spain, Italy and Portugal.
That's four "different" reviews, each of them giving the game a score of 90. How clever!

Not laughing yet?

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