Friday, July 17, 2009

Day of Lolz

Hey! There may not a lot of stuff to make fun of, but don't be afraid, Hollywood knows how to fill the blanks when needed!

So here we go... prepare yourself for Asteroids, the movie.
I'm not kidding. Well, they are not.
We probably all wish this was nonsense, and it could very well be, but on the same hand, I'm barely going to say I'm surprised. It's just reaching a new low in terms of video game adaptations.
I know that in the past, there's been a lot of conceptual talking on what about games makes a narrative, and if it could be expressed outside of the game... as, you know, could a gamer, by the mere act of smashing buttons, bitching, looting or popping high scores, be constructing a form of narrative?

Well, I don't know, but Hollywood thinks it does. So I'm going to pretend I got my hands on the script.

Story (rough):

We're going in for a summer flick of doom about a near futuristic Earth which, for some very unfortunate reason, would lose an entire outpost --civilian if possible, but military will do-- located at the edge of the system, including thousands of souls, because the local radar dumbass didn't see the asteroid shower coming in their way, and would then decide to roll out a super secret project of space interceptors to go blasting some stone.
Perhaps add a story of pirates just stirring up trouble at the same time, because the plot needs to be a bit more... bumpy.
Be sure that instead of one pilot, this will turn into the story of an entire squadron if not more.
This shall be the flick's climax, with people dying left and right, splashing on the rocks and the crafty ones firing all they have, in terms of lasers, missiles and nukes, to blast the nasty drifting bits before they reach Earth, the biggest rock of all.


Now, as we know, there's going to be a considerable brainstorming going on to grace us with the most awesome taglines ever imagined by man, but we can still try to wager what they could be...

  • Let's rock! (please, no)
  • What does it take to break you?
  • The last granite shower
  • Most rocks burn up in the atmosphere... most
  • Those are not from Mars
  • Catch'em if you can!
  • If only Chuck Norris could fly...
  • Momentum is a bitch
  • According to the rubble pile model... this can only end badly

    Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn't have let the execs do their Tetris movie after all.

    Update: More news about this... thing... and the momentum building up. You're also going to be chocked (...) about this:

    Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids." Matthew Lopez will write the script for the feature adaptation, which will be produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura.

    Something's wrong. This industry is beyond sick. It's beyond cynicism. And I hate to say it, but if this turns out to be a success, then there will probably even more reasons to hate the world. :)
    You'd wish you were stuck in a perpetual April's Fool cycle.

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